Plants and Animals 916. Art by K.V. Fabian

The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby (From "Yellow Submarine")

My Black Display Cabinet by Kathy Vivian Fabian

My Voice: Journal February 2

 

Question;

What does my voice sound like to me?

Answer; My voice is mostly music and I usually sing or listen to myself when I am alone. I am even afraid to sing. I can’t help it sometimes and I do so anyways. Alone my voice is always present. I speak to myself a lot if not constantly. It is a voice of a critic that is often negative. I’m learning to be a little bit benevolent sometimes my when voice is like that. When it’s benevolent it is great

My voice with other is defiant and scared. I have difficulty speaking in front of people So my voice there is quiet and used after a great deal of hesitation. Right now, my voice is mostly listening.

I comfort myself by thinking that my voice is actually the voice of the music and the thoughts that I listen to as well as the programs on television that I listen to. I guess it’s not a wonderful substitute but it’s what I have right now.

Question;

When have I used my voice to advocate for myself or for others? This would include times when you’ve encountered injustice or have given up. Or tell the hard truth someone who needed to hear it.

(Personal Note:

Before I go and dive into this, I have to say one hard truth. As someone who is advocated professionally in the past it occurs to me now clearly concisely since I am under the poverty line. It is best to include with a question of what you advocate for the word responsibility to yourself. If you advocate for yourself or someone else you have to look to see what the results will be. I understand that people do not help other people enough that is very clear. It is all over.

What is not clear is what happens and what remains after you advocate for somebody without checking out the reaction. This is never stated and this lack of responsibility to myself, personally, both by people who were advising me and myself, has caused me a great deal of harm. It is best to include when faced with a question of what you advocate with an eye to the responsibility you must maintain to yourself. If you advocate for yourself or someone else you have to look to see what the results will be. I understand that people do not help other people enough. That is very clear. It is all over. What is not clear is what happens and what remains after you advocate for somebody without checking out the reaction. This is never stated and has caused me a great deal of harm.)

So, with the above qualification in mind, I have a great deal of difficulty defending myself or advocating for my position. For example, recently I felt I was not served an adequate meal. I did not know why whether there was something wrong with me or something had gone wrong in the kitchen. I was afraid to ask and this bothers me a lot. However, at this point I find myself paralyzed with fear of punishment.

One great punishment is having a cocktail of having to live below the poverty line and not being able to speak to have your wish is listened or respected. (See above qualification in mind). One great punishment is not being able to escape the poverty line and not having any kind of ability to talk and therefore have your wishes respected.

 

Question;

When you are down how do you use your voice to encourage yourself and keep on going?

 

Answer;

I have a great deal of difficulty using my own voice to encourage myself. I have a tendency to be self-critical which I’m fighting now. However, I find these apps of meditation online very useful. For example, in One app gives a fair dose of self comforting. That is techniques to self comfort yourself. I find this extremely useful. Another app for meditation gives many ways that you could calm down. Using my voice to both self comfort, self encourage, and calm down or extremely important to me for my voice right now.

Question;

What does my voice stand for? what do I believe in right now? What values do I believe in?

Answer;

Right now, I am in a very private place.  I see no one but am going inside myself to a very hurt indistinct place (much like a fetus in a fetal position in a womb).  What my voice stands for right now is self-healing. Finding the right ways to calm myself down so that I am not confused. I am working to self comfort myself enough to begin to see the beauty in others, to remember even remotely the good relationships that I have had in the past.  The values that I believe in is courtesy and respect to others and mostly to start with myself. My voice is focused on regaining my own sense of self worth which is chronically missing at this time.

Let me take a moment to thank my voice for, after a long search, finally finding some avenues to calm myself down and recently even make myself feel comforted.

 

Personal Note: I love the recent finds I have had with the apps I find online. However, I would like some other apps. If you know of a meditation on financial wellness, more specifically dealing with protecting my artwork in my possession (yes, it is in danger), as well as getting off a situation of financial dependence and poverty, or one on finding your own kind of beautiful (with tips on music to play, actions to do, fashion advice) that would be very much appreciated.  These meditations can not be too long since I would like to do them each day and I have other meditations in my rep now. If you have info on the subject, please write me at www.facebook.com/theartfabiancompany or contact me at www.instagram.com/kvfabian or at @KKFabian